Proofreading help, please

[Jordi]

I just got a mixi invite and wrote my self introduction, to the best of my ability. I think it's correct, but could someone please verify that? Thank you!




self intro: 私は日本語の学生です。私はメキシコ人です、しかしアメリカに住んでいます。15歳です。ジオルヂアロンソちいます。9月に大学の日本の授業を取ります。よろしくおねがいします。

[Airth]

self intro: :arrow: 私は日本語の学生です。私はメキシコ人です、しかしアメリカに住んでいます。15歳です。ジオルヂアロンソちいます。9月に大学の日本の授業を取ります。よろしくおねがいします。

That's pretty good Jordi. Just a few points that stood out for me:

＊I think you have one 'spelling mistake' - ジオルヂアロンソちいます - shouldn't that be - ジオルヂアロンソといいます?
＊It is conventional to start with はじめまして followed by your name, then you can cut out the 私s.
＊You could try combining your age with another point. For example - 15歳のメキシコ人 - or - 15歳の日本語の学生 - but it isn't essential. Always go with what you prefer.
＊しかし sounds a little stiff to me. I would simply connect the fact you are a Mexican living in the US with が.
＊The point about taking lectures at university is a little unclear to me. Do you mean you will come to a Japanese uni? Or do you mean you will study about Japan, Japanese, Japanese history, Japanese culture? Just writing 日本 kind of leaves me in the dark, though you could perhaps use 日本についての授業.
＊There are a couple of other options in the 大学 sentence, but this is more about style - 9月から大学で[の]日本[語]の授業を始めます。Again, you choose.

Anyway, my points are fairly minor, and I make no claim to know what I'm talking about. I think you're doing very nicely on your own!

[Jordi]

Thanks Airthさん！ It's the first time that I actually write something (aside from simple sentences) in 日本語　so I guess I'm doing pretty well right? what I meant to say about the university is that I'm going to take Japanese (language) classes in september at my local university... I guess I didn't elaborate, and you're right about the spelling mistake, I had heard Mikiさん　use it in her blog but she said it kind of fast and I didn't think of checking the transcript

もう一どう、 どうもありがと　Airthさん