I need help with my speech!

[nataliediemle_498407]

I'm preparing for a speech about a past experience in Japanese class and I need help with my sentences. I'm still a beginner so I'm sorry that it sounds very limited and baby-ish! If there is anything wrong please correct it for me and in hiragana (I haven't learned a lot of kanji yet). Thank you!

1) In 2010, my cousins came to visit.
二千十年に、私のいとこはほうもんしました。

2) My cousins live in California. I lived in Arizona.
私のいとこはカリフォルニアに住んでいます。私はアリゾナに住んでいました。

3) The next day we went on a road trip to Slide Rock State Park.
つぎの日、スライドロックしゅうりつこうえんに車でりょ行に行きました。

4) Because the trip takes 3 hours, we had to wake up early.
りょ行は三時間(not sure what goes here)、早起きしなければなりませんでした。

5) The trip was long and boring.
りょ行はながくてつまなかったです。

6) Slide Rock was pretty but very crowded.
スライドロックはきれいですがとてもこんでいる。

7) There is a creek but it is very cold and slippery.
川があります。でもとてもさむいとすべりやすかった。

8) We went during summer break but the water was still cold.
夏休みに行きましたが水はまだつめたかった。

9) The water was not deep but it was fast.
水は　(I have no idea how to translate this one!)

10) It was also very hard to walk.
あるくはもたいへんむずかしかった。

11) A lot of people slipped.
たくさん人がすべるでした。

12) We stayed for about 3 hours and then went home.
三時間たいざいしました。そして帰りました。

13) Because my cousins and I were very tired, we fell asleep early.
つかれましたから、私といとこが早寝しました。

[mewes6190]

Natalie-san,
こんにちは。

At first: Good work, that's a good exercise you're doing there. I'm pretty much a beginner myself, still I'd like to sharpen my own capabilities by giving my two cents. So, take them with a grain of salt. I'm sure someone else with more experience will have something to say too.

1) Not much to add, except that as far as I can see it, years are still written in numbers, even in japanese. So, I'd write "二〇一〇年". Might be wrong though.

2) Seems perfect to me.

3) I'm ot sure, if the word ドライブ would apply here. I'd use ドライブしました instead of 車でりょ行.

4) "to take time" should be かかる, "because" should be から. So I'd start with: ドライブは三時間をかかりましたから、. As for the rest, I'm still too wobbly with that gramatical form to offer an opinion, but it seems correct to me...

5) seems perfect to me.

6) almost perfect but for the tense. Shouldn't it be いました at the end?

7) Also almost perfect, but I'd say that い-adjectives get connected by くて, and that かった is informal. So I'd say: さむくて、すべりやすいでした。 I'm not so sure though.

"during" would be ながら, so i'd say that would apply here. There's also a form for "Even though", but I don't know it at the moment. I think it's ても. That would be the best option here. also, here again かった is informal I think.
So I'd say 夏休みながら行きましても、まだ水はつめたいでした。 (I think the position of the まだ is pretty free, I just like to put those words pretty early on...)

9) here, I think you should return to 川, because the concept of using "water" for "the creek" doesn's apply to japanese. So the "water" can't be deep. (It's also not deep in english, it's just a substitute for "the creek"). Also, I'd work with the word でも here. Most simple solution I can come up with:
川は深ない（ふかい）でした。でも、流れ（ながれ）が強い（つよい）でした。
(This should translate into: The creek wasn't deep. Still, the current was strong.)

10) looks perfect to me. I might have used すいぶん instead of たいへん, but I'm not so good at using these conjunctions. Still I'd stick with むずかしいでした。

11) The plural of 人 should be 人たち. Also, you don't use です with verbs, because it IS a verb you use if you only have a noun are adjective at the end of the sentence. So it should be すべりました.

12) seems perfect for me.

13) Not sure if it should be は instead of が, otherwise it seems perfect for me.

I hope there's some helpful stuff here. Did help ME at least.
Also hop, there are no big mistakes on my side.

がんばりましょう！

Best,
くろくま

[community.japanese]

くろくまさん、
Thank you for the suggestions and explanation.

natalieddiemle san,
You really tried hard to make sentences.
くろくまさん already commented your sentences however, I put my suggestions below.
1) In 2010, my cousins came to Arizona to visit me .
二千十年に、私のいとこは私のアリゾナの家をほうもんしました。

2) My cousins live in California.
いとこはカリフォルニアに住んでいます。　Do you want to use non-past tense here?

3) The next day we went on a road trip to Slide Rock State Park.
つぎの日、スライドロックしゅうりつこうえんに行きました。

4) Because the trip takes 3 hours, we had to wake up early.
りょ行は三時間かかりますから、早起きしなければなりませんでした。

5) The trip was long and boring.
りょ行はながくてつまらなかったです。

6) However, slide Rock was pretty but very crowded.
しかし、スライドロックはきれいでした。そして、とてもこんでいました。

7) There is a creek but it is very cold and slippery.
そこには川がありました。そこは、とてもさむくてすべりやすかったです。

We went during summer break but the water was still cold.
夏休みに行きましたが水はまだつめたかったです。

9) The water was not deep but it was fast.
水はあまりふかくありませんでしたが、ながれははやかったです。

10) It was also very hard to walk.
あるくこともたいへんむずかしかったです。

11) A lot of people slipped.
たくさん人がすべりました。

12) We stayed for about 3 hours and then went home.
そこに三時間たいざいしました。そして帰りました。

13) Because my cousins and I were very tired after the trip, we fell asleep early at home.
りょこうのあとはつかれましたから、私といとこは家ではやく寝ました。

If you need explanation, please let me know.

Yuki 　由紀
Team JapanesePod101.com

[nataliediemle_498407]

Thank you so much Kurokuma and Yuki!!

[community.japanese]

nataliediemle　さん、

どういたしまして。
Generally speaking it is important to pay attention to paragraph structures, sequence between sentences and so I recommend you to think about it.
がんばってください。

Yuki 　由紀
Team JapanesePod101.com