Friendships with Japanese people

[untmdsprt]

How are friendships with Japanese people? Do they also put time and effort into developing a good friendship with someone?

From my experience where I live, Americans are very anti-social. I've been in this city since 1997, and have never made one good friend. My guess is people are too lazy to put forth the effort into being a friend, or too busy wrapped up in themselves to make the time for someone else. Even when I was busy with school, I would always make time for people when they'd call. I'd personally call people a week in advance to make plans to get together. I figure that would give people enough time to free up their time we decided on. Nope, always busy!

[Belton]

Well I can't claim extensive knowledge. But by and large I've found Japanese people friendly and I have several friendships of various sorts.

Maybe there are some cultural differences. Socially they are prehaps a bit more group orientated. Maybe a bit more reserved and harder to get to know very well. Prehaps they take a longer view of things. Maybe more aware of social obligations and relations. But I think human relationships are a sort of universal constant. I'm sure Japanese have similar ideas of friendship to everyone else in the world.

I'm not sure. The plus side is the cultural difference, you are mutually interesting because of differences. It's also the minus side as you are both unaware of cultural assumptions about how to behave, and you have a lack of shared experience such as schooling.

Of course my Japanese friendships are based on learning Japanese. So in London I've met a number of people through a Japanese theatre group I work with occasionaly. (The group thing) And I have a little more common ground with them than many other locals. My friends in Japan are by circumstance distant, but have been very hospitable when I've visited and with computers these days it's fairly easy to keep in touch using skype or email.

Generally in life I've had friendships come and go. I believe like you that they take a bit of effort and nurturing and attention. They work best when you relax and don't worry too much. They last longest when you are both getting similar things from the friendship and giving similar attention to it. But sometimes people outgrow each other or drift apart as circumstances change; I'm afraid that's life. I can't remember who said it but acquaintances are many but friends are few. Close friends you can count on one hand.

[untmdsprt]

I once told an acquaintence that I would love to have 4 close friends. He asked why. I said that I'd be going out every weekend with each one, and each one only has to see me once a month.

Most of the Japanese people I meet here are married with children. That in itself is extremely difficult to have any friendship because of their family obligation. I did meet one married lady (no kids), that really wanted to have an American friend. Even though we only met for coffee, I did enjoy her company. I feel I have made a new friend, and hope one day I can go to where she lives, and meet for coffee again.

I think I will have a better time in Japan since I'm willing to try new things, and don't have to drive to get there!!

[kichigaijin]

Socializing in the US is a strange beast though.
Each area is different.
If you're not into the status quo, it's often quite hard.

When I lived in Baltimore, I found that the average person was pretty rude, but I made close friends fast, and they were relatively dependable.

In Texas I've found that the average person is pretty polite (unless we're talking about driving), but it's incredibly tough to make close friends- takes a lot longer, once you're close though they're loyal & dependable.

America's definitely not the place where you can count on someone starting up a conversation with you at a club or night on the town; maybe unless you're female. I've found that aspect of it to be pretty depressing. The east coast was a little better for this, but the south is definitely a place where people really stick to their own social circles- especially in places normally reserved for socialization like night spots.

As far as Japanese go, it's definitely a case by case basis.
I would also say regionally in Japan there are different cultural norms when it comes to accepting new people from outside your social circle: Okinawan people will tend to act a certain way, Kyoto people will tend to act another way, Fukuoka people will tend to act differently, and so will Tokyo people. I would definitely say that Japanese people on the whole tend to be polite at the very least.

[WalterWills]

I don't personally know any Japanese people.

[Belton]

You might be interested in this newspaper column

http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/features/la ... Y15001.htm

The links only stay live for about 2 weeks though. It's part of a series called Cultural Conundrums and I think it's quite interesting reading.

Todays column was about accepting and declining invitations, and different cultural views on social obligations.

[untmdsprt]

Thanks for the article. I've actually went to meet my one Japanese friend, even when I really didn't want to. I decided then that why shouldn't I go? I have nothing better to do, and don't have friends here, so why not make the effort to meet the woman for coffee?

Now I miss my get togethers with this woman. She's gone back to Japan with her husband.

I'm certainly going to make it a point to accept invitations when I'm in Japan, and if I have plans with another person, I will inform the new person I can't come. I will follow up and see if that person has free time some other day.

[Ulver_684]

You might be interested in this newspaper column

http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/features/la ... Y15001.htm

The links only stay live for about 2 weeks though. It's part of a series called Cultural Conundrums and I think it's quite interesting reading.

Todays column was about accepting and declining invitations, and different cultural views on social obligations.

Belton-san!

Thank you for that great link! BTW welcome back

[Fedgrub]

Friendships are much the same. Sometimes it is hard to get past the language barrier if they are not fluent in your language, because you have to remember that most work 10-12 hour days and do not have much time to invest in keeping fluent with a second language. This can often limit your progress in the friendship, but you can always rest assured that most Japanese people love a new friend just the same as everyone. Their polite nature can always ensure that they will try to do the best thing by you.

Its unfortunate that its like that in the USA. A friend is there at the moment and he told me that he has had a few rude experiences, but overall he still likes it. I think most the friends he has there are Australian though, which is where he is from also.

[Outkast]

First thing is a disclaimer: regardless of culture, people are going to differ person from person.

That said, there are two very, VERY important factors involved in making friends with Japanese individuals- 1.) Activities and 2.) Social Networking.

1.) Many relationships are built over time, centering around experiences. For instance, say you just came to Japan, and meet some one briefly for the first time. Even if they are assigned to interact with you regularly, that will not be enough to guarantee a friendship of any kind. Typically, on the road to friendship, the next event will be a situation of some kind in which you experience something together with the person- such as going to the local municipal building to submit paperwork, or working on planning for school festival. This will not necessarily be a fun or fellowship-type situation, but just something that puts you together with the person focusing on something other than one another. After this, the door may open for a more relaxed chance to spend time together, such as going to a bar together, karaoke, or some other event in which everyone can let their guard down and just have fun together. At this point, the real bonding begins, and allows subsequent get-togethers by people in smaller groups, which then can directly develop into friendships.

The whole idea of this factor is that any relationship develops over a series of separate interaction events where the participants focus on a group activity other than solely making friends in itself.


2.) The second important factor is that any given friendship actually develops at part of a network of other friendships. This may sound abstract, but to put it into practical terms, you become a friend in relation to the person's other friends, or *don't* become a friend because of the person's other friends. Therefore, if you do something to put yourself on bad terms with one person, even if that person is not directly a friend with the person you want to befriend, one of their friends may be, and that can nix any chance you had of doing so. Triple that for romantic relationships, especially with girls, where the opinions and feelings of friends count the most in judging a person's character. In other words, if you leave a good impression on the person's own friends, you have much higher chances of succeeding in setting off a friendship. But if you do the opposite, then that person will probably automatically reject you.

The main point here is that you must win over the other people in the potential friend's social network if you want a space to be made for you in it yourself.


Again, stuff differs for every person, but this seems to be the way things go with trying to make friends in Japan so far. Time spent together doing things is gold, and social network is king. Good luck to everyone...

[Ulver_684]

First thing is a disclaimer: regardless of culture, people are going to differ person from person.

That said, there are two very, VERY important factors involved in making friends with Japanese individuals- 1.) Activities and 2.) Social Networking.

1.) Many relationships are built over time, centering around experiences. For instance, say you just came to Japan, and meet some one briefly for the first time. Even if they are assigned to interact with you regularly, that will not be enough to guarantee a friendship of any kind. Typically, on the road to friendship, the next event will be a situation of some kind in which you experience something together with the person- such as going to the local municipal building to submit paperwork, or working on planning for school festival. This will not necessarily be a fun or fellowship-type situation, but just something that puts you together with the person focusing on something other than one another. After this, the door may open for a more relaxed chance to spend time together, such as going to a bar together, karaoke, or some other event in which everyone can let their guard down and just have fun together. At this point, the real bonding begins, and allows subsequent get-togethers by people in smaller groups, which then can directly develop into friendships.

The whole idea of this factor is that any relationship develops over a series of separate interaction events where the participants focus on a group activity other than solely making friends in itself.


2.) The second important factor is that any given friendship actually develops at part of a network of other friendships. This may sound abstract, but to put it into practical terms, you become a friend in relation to the person's other friends, or *don't* become a friend because of the person's other friends. Therefore, if you do something to put yourself on bad terms with one person, even if that person is not directly a friend with the person you want to befriend, one of their friends may be, and that can nix any chance you had of doing so. Triple that for romantic relationships, especially with girls, where the opinions and feelings of friends count the most in judging a person's character. In other words, if you leave a good impression on the person's own friends, you have much higher chances of succeeding in setting off a friendship. But if you do the opposite, then that person will probably automatically reject you.

The main point here is that you must win over the other people in the potential friend's social network if you want a space to be made for you in it yourself.


Again, stuff differs for every person, but this seems to be the way things go with trying to make friends in Japan so far. Time spent together doing things is gold, and social network is king. Good luck to everyone...

Outkast-san!

Thank you very much your are so right, this happen to me so I will apply these from now on.

[untmdsprt]

Outkast is right about friendships here. I've drifted apart from any male friends I have met. It's not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I believe this society is based on men are friends with men, and women to women. Women/men friendships seem rare.

As for making new friends, I've been snapped at more often than not, so I pretty much keep to myself and my cameras when I'm out. Some of the politer people are the older gentlemen walking their dogs, and will stop to talk to me when they see my cameras. I've found that old men love cameras and they will talk your ear off. At least I'm learning more camera terms in Japanese!!

The one female friend I have, I actually met in the states, and we continued our friendship here. Also her husband and I get along, so that is a big plus in developing my friendship with her. It's also easier for her or her husband to find me men to date since they both work at big companies. Again, it's the social networking thing going on!

[liposuctionguide]

I don't personally know any Japanese people.

[Grimga]

Japanese will go a long way with friendship, I am japanese and I live In USA people here are dirty and disgusting and very anti-social, but like usa there`are a few people in japan that will ignore or be rude if you are not the same race theres a @$$hole in every race, but besides that person friends ships can go along way

[untmdsprt]

It seems to me that all of the Japanese people I've met are too self-centered around their English learning to actually be a true friend to me. The better people I've met to be friends with are other foreigners learning Japanese. To date, some of the better ones are three Korean guys that are about at the same level as me. Unfortunately all three are always working so I never get to see them.