haiku attempt, anyone able to offer help?

[gnovos]

So, in english I know how I'd write this, but I am trying to find out which sounds more interesting/romanitc/elegant to japanese ears.

Basically, I am trying to create, in haiku form, something that sounds roughly like this:

"sleeping late on a cold winter morning, she sighs sweetly beside me"

so far all I have are individual bits and pieces, but no really grasp of the grammar to pull it all together.

Here's what I have done so far:

saetaasa ni asane de tameiki shimashita

So, that's probably pretty terrible, right? Basically what I am looking for is something that sounds sweet and romantic, like snuggle on a cold winter morning... But I don't even know if I am picking the correct word for "sigh". I might be saying "sigh of regret" which, while poignant, would spoil the intended meaning. anyone have any ideas? Additionally, I kind of made up the word "saetaasa" which I am hoping has the same meaning as the word I *know* which is "saetayoru", which is a cold, chilly evening. I want to get the same feeling for morning, but I am afraid that this will sound more like a bright cheerful morning, which isn't quite my intention.

Also, any fixes for my particles/articles? I never know where or when to put 'de' or 'ni'.

[Bueller_007]

So, in english I know how I'd write this, but I am trying to find out which sounds more interesting/romanitc/elegant to japanese ears.

Basically, I am trying to create, in haiku form, something that sounds roughly like this:

"sleeping late on a cold winter morning, she sighs sweetly beside me"

so far all I have are individual bits and pieces, but no really grasp of the grammar to pull it all together.

Here's what I have done so far:

saetaasa ni asane de tameiki shimashita

So, that's probably pretty terrible, right? Basically what I am looking for is something that sounds sweet and romantic, like snuggle on a cold winter morning... But I don't even know if I am picking the correct word for "sigh". I might be saying "sigh of regret" which, while poignant, would spoil the intended meaning. anyone have any ideas? Additionally, I kind of made up the word "saetaasa" which I am hoping has the same meaning as the word I *know* which is "saetayoru", which is a cold, chilly evening. I want to get the same feeling for morning, but I am afraid that this will sound more like a bright cheerful morning, which isn't quite my intention.

Also, any fixes for my particles/articles? I never know where or when to put 'de' or 'ni'.

Sorry, I think writing professional-quality romantic haikus is over the head of pretty much everyone here. You need a native speaker.

You might want to try 2channel or something.