Corrections for my translations into japanese?

[hkittysmoothie]

I thought it would be fun to translate an online comic into japanese, but seeing as I've been studying for less than a month, I would really like some corrections.

Here's my japanese version:
http://picasaweb.google.com/bakaeigo/Th ... 1581578050

And the original:
http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp06082008.shtml

I didn't translate a lot of the expressions because I didn't know how...

[Sean]

That seems like a long way to have come in a month!

I've offered a couple of suggestions, mentioned stuff that seems odd to me, and my own attempts at the lines. I wouldn't claim to be a expert, but hopefully it's not completely off.

SOMETHING POSITIVE
By R.K.Milholland

I think with titles, you can get away with just leaving them in English (or putting them into katakana). It seems to be the usual practice nowadays. Also, you can leave initials as letters. The の at the front of the name seems misplaced as well.

SOMETHING POSITIVE
著：R・K・ミルホランド

Damn it! That's another tomato that bird's ruined!

"破壊した" seems a bit dramatic for a tomato, to me.

クソ！　あの鳥だ、またトマトを台無しにしたんだ

Well, look who's back? Here to gloat or eat more of my fruits and veggies? I bust my ass for this garden, you airborn duster.

I think "自慢" would be more boasting about something (like how great your new car is or how successful your children are, that kind of thing), rather than the bird gloating over having eaten the guy's tomatoes. "自慢したくて、野菜を食べたいの？" seems a bit unclear to me.

ほう、のこのこ戻ってきたな。ほそく笑みに来たか、それともまた食べたくなったのか？　
僕は本当に苦労しているんだよ、この鳥ヤロウ

I sweat and you watch. I work and you don't help but when the fruits of my labor come up, who's the first to swoop in and gobble up what he's got no right to?!

There's a name for the likes of you.

I think you need to use more particles (like 僕が汗..., rather than just 僕汗). Also, 君 seems a bit too soft to use towards a bird who's been messing up your garden.

僕が汗水たらして働き、そしてお前はただ座視する。
僕が労働する、しかしお前は手伝ってくれない。
手伝わないくせにいつも成果が実るとお前が先にいただきだ！

お前のごときには（ちゃんと）名前があるんだ

So, why did you name the bird "I.R.S."?

I think it could do with an explaination/the Japanese name of the IRS there for anyone who doesn't know. You could still keep "IRS" as furigana over it thought (I don't know if there's a good way to produce it on a computer, except writing it seperately and trying to place it above the text).

じゃあ、なんで（鳥を）「国内国歳入庁（I.R.S.）」と名付けたの？

[hkittysmoothie]

Sean, wow, thanks for the help

I have a couple questions, though.

SOMETHING POSITIVE
著：R・K・ミルホランド

What is the significance of 著?

Also, what's the meaning of this んだ that seems to be on the end of a lot of sentences?

Thanks again for the help

[Sean]

著(ちょ) is a short way of saying who wrote something, like 'by...' in English. Although thinking about it, it might be more of a literary thing than something you can use for comics (as far as I can recalled right now for them is credits like 原作: [name] for the writer and 作画 for the artist which might not apply here, or just putting the name on itself). You could possibly just get by with leaving the English 'by' in there as well.

んだ (a spoken variation of のだ), I'm not sure how to properly explain it. I was using it more intuitively than thinking about how it's used. Although I think I might just use it too much in general. It just makes it feel a bit more forceful and stressed to me.

Google managed to give me this, which might help explain it (assuming I've not misusing it), and I'm sure it's popped up in one of the past lessons on this site too, although I can't find it on the search feature:

http://www.guidetojapanese.org/particles3.html